Complacency is the enemy

We all know that practice makes perfect. There's various figures bandied about on how many times one has to repeat an activity before we get better at it. 100, 1000, 1000000!

But sheer repetition does nothing except dull the senses, enfeeble the mind and waste time. 

It is not enough to be 'going through the motions', we need to be actively engaged with them, monitoring our performance and tweaking slightly for improvement with each repetition. Only when we are passionate about moving forward will those repetitions bring us towards perfection.

This is as much true about learning how to ride a bike, or master a piano concerto as it is about being a better parent, or a more environmentally aware individual or... finding the stillness at our centre.

I have spent a few weeks with my calm having gone walkabout without me. (How inconsiderate of it!) I couldn't think that I had changed anything in my life significantly but I felt discombobulated (totally awesome word, add it to your vocab post-haste); disconcerted and off-balance. 

I ran through my checklist. 

• Was I still taking time out in stressful moments to do some deep breathing? Yes.
• Was I engaging in regular exercise to clear out the cobwebs? Yes.
• Was I doing regular creative activities to refill my happy place? Yes.
• Was I connecting with friends and family? Yes, though this felt draining rather than energising.
• Was I taking the time to express gratitude? Yes.
• Was I making sure to not personally take on responsibility for things I couldn't control? Yes.

Ok, so all my usual triggers were being avoided and my usual calming measures were in place. What was up?

Me. I was the problem. I was just phoning it in. Going through the motions. Getting distinctly half-assed. I had taken my stillness search for granted and was paying the price.

My deep breathing was more the snorting of an angry bull: I wasn't thinking about calming myself down, I was using those 5-10 deep breaths to carefully compose the ultimate acerbic response to the situation.

My exercise periods have been more about yelling at the kids about how we're late for school and less about enjoying my body moving and relishing the segue of the seasons outside.

My creative activities were actually more a memory than a reality and only engaged in sporadically.

I didn't feel I had anything meaningful to talk about with my friends and family and the conversations as a result felt forced.

My gratitude practice had become glib, or self deprecating.

The demarcation between things within my sphere of control had disintegrated into a general avoidance of responsibility, rather than an actual considered choice.

Is this a painful realisation? You bet! I feel guilty for having let it all slip so far. And yet... and yet, it is also freeing, liberating, a joyful discovery! I am as passionate about finding my daily way to stillness as ever, and now I have a way to reclaim it. 

Time to be mindful once again about my activities, and remember their purpose. Complacency is the enemy.

My challenge to you: what have you become complacent about? Where could you also be more mindful?

You are not the weather

Inspirational image from the wonderful Project Happiness.

One of the fastest paths away from stillness is to tie ourselves up in the events around us. We place our self worth on our accomplishments (even though our goals might be counterproductive). Our anxiety levels skyrocket when we spend time anticipating trouble to come. Depression drags us down when we think we've failed.

But these events are not us.

We might experience depression. We might have an anxiety disorder. We might have diabetes, or a broken leg; one of our roles may be a single parent, or a rocket scientist; we might be heavier or skinnier than we'd like; we might be busy to extremes, or bored to eternity; or maybe we feel ordinary, normal.

But while we have these things, or we have those roles, or we have that number on the scales or on the clock... they are not us. They do not define us. Not only are we so much more than those aspects, those aspects can and do change. Likewise for the events around us. We are not a failure just because that one project didn't go to plan. We are not a superhero just because we managed to put our undies on over the top of our pants.

We are not the events we participate in. We are not the facets of our lives.

We are more. So much more.

This means you. Yes, you. You are made up of the stuff of stars. You are not defined by your job, your home life, your successes or your failures.

You are the sky. Everything else - it's just the weather.

Are goals your worst enemy?

We all have goals. Sometimes they're called a Five Year Plan. Sometimes they masquerade as ToDo lists. There are whole systems devoted to managing goals, both personal and professional: Getting Things Done, to Franklin Covey's time management matrix from the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People".

However for many of us, these sorts of systems are harmful. Destructive. Anxiety-inducing. Definitely not good for inner calm!

Goals have set conditions for success. They often have set timeframes to be achieved in. They are not trifles, but usually something we are invested in. They have meaning. We attach our identity to them. We pride ourselves on their accomplishment.

But too often, we don't achieve those goals the way we envisage. We don't get there fast enough. We don't quite finish everything. We get 70% of the goal done in 130% of the time. Disappointment, stress, depression, uncertainty. Frustration!

Fortunately, there is another way. Revelation! Victory!

Focus on the journey and detach ourselves from the goal. 

What does that mean? Let's take a couple of examples:

Old way: "Lose 10kg in six months".
New way: "Make health a priority: monitor portion sizes and join a sporting club to train with."

Old way: "Earn a pay rise by the next performance review"
New way: "What am I passionate about at work? How can I tie it to the company focus?"

Sure, the goals all follow the SMART paradigm (another system!), but focussing on the journey means you CANNOT fail. If you enjoy the journey, the goal will naturally achieve itself. You don't have to force yourself to complete the necessary steps to achieve your goal, because the way you're getting there is now just a natural and enjoyable part of your life.

As a result, you become emotionally detached from your goal. The timeframe and the outcomes are less important, leaving you better able to handle any changes that might come your way.